Pawpaw

Pawpaw (SW)

I’ll tell you a couple things.
I’m a young man,
And number two, love will always be the most vulnerable position you will ever be in.
So you have to live with love that’s like a loose screw,
So when someone leaves, it’ll not be as painful.

April 21st, 2008 is when I came into this world,
And not only did I feel the love from my father,
But also from the original, Robert Duane Jordan.
But I only know him as pawpaw.
A love I felt since birth, knee-high.
His laugh that booms and fills your soul with an angelic happiness,
6’3, and when I was a kid, that was gigantic.
As if he was also a protector, immortal.
Nothing would ever hurt him, in my eyes he was the archangel Michael.
But in reality, he was just my grandpa.
Myself, who was just 9 years old at the time,
Learned what love was, what love felt like, what love looked like.
My strength, which was so jut out I felt like He-Man.
A happiness that felt like it would never end,
That made my soul levitate.

But… on May 24, 2015, I was caught on lower ground,
Because he left earth to go back home,
Amongst the beautiful sun right next to God,
And I was struck by tears.
And yet I was still ambushed by nightmares,
See, I have a very vibrant and creative mind,
And at times it would create these realities and false hopes.
That maybe it was all a dream,
That maybe he was still here,
That maybe I’ll wake up and it’ll be over.
And these alternate universes keep playing over again,
And again, and again.
And I’m tired of playing the creator because I have to come to terms
And accept that my grandpa ain’t ever coming back.

And that’s the cost of love,
The cost of life.
Caring for someone so much that you can’t imagine
Living the rest of your childhood,
The rest of your life without them.
Standing next to him at his funeral,
With a kiss on his forehead
In hopes that it holds magic on bringing him back.
But that’s not real.

And I know that I said “love loosely”
So when it goes,
It won’t leave so painfully.

But pain and memories are all I have left of him,
So I want to hold onto them as long as possible.

So now, I’m left with the echo of his laugh,
The sound still reverberates in my chest,
A warmth I’ll never feel again.
Like holding onto the last bit of sunlight before it sinks,
Holding onto a love that shaped me, made me,
And yet left me shattered.

You see, they tell you to move on.
They say time heals, but time just numbs.
The space he left? It doesn’t shrink,
I just learn to stretch myself around it.
Learn to breathe with lungs full of memories,
Learn to walk in a world that feels colder, emptier.

I said love loosely so it doesn’t hurt,
But I think the real truth is
You can’t love halfway.
Even when you think you’ve got your guard up,
That screw’s always loose enough to twist back tight,
Always loose enough to let someone crawl into your soul,
Until they own a piece of you.

My pawpaw? He’s still got that piece.
And I’m not asking for it back.
I’ll live with the ache,
Because that ache is all I have left.
And maybe that’s what love is,
The pieces that linger after they’re gone,
The tears, the smiles, the way they change you,
And stay with you, forever etched in the corners of your heart.

So maybe I lied,
Maybe I don’t want to love loosely after all,
Because if love is the cost,
Then I’m willing to pay every single time.