Yeah I’m tough!

Violence. Foolishness. Ignorance. Is what my definition of toughness used to be. You see i thought that I had to show no weakness, to “fight to show masculinity” to show that

I’m, in newer terms “that guy.”

but no, not no more. It’s gets to a point where you realize all that you called toughness was insecurity, fighting for a spot in people’s eyes that showed them I’m tough. But it was too much, I’ve had enough. Real masculinity is settling back and being your authentic self and not stunt for others, being masculine isn’t throwing yourself out there trying to prove something to people, proving things to yourself is all you need.

You don’t need validation from others to know who YOU are, you should know yourself more than others do. The real definition of toughness isn’t fighting, talking shit, and being a fool. It’s when you take a step up that stool, to the next level to elevate yourself, it’s where you take devastation head on and turn it into realization. Toughness is when you grow from your mistakes, removing yourself from negative crowds and surrounding yourself with love and positivity.

Toughness isn’t gang banging or danger displaying

it’s not “you better not fuck with me or Ima hurt you”, it’s not being the biggest on the earth like David and Goliath. In that story the tough actor got defeated by the authentic one.

Now I think back, back to that freshman who was out to prove something through violence, and who knew that would be the end. The end of an era of fakeness and onto an era of a new toughness, not the violent toughness but the real toughness. I can finally say “Yeah I am tough!” Because at the end of the day the real toughness was growing beyond the dirt I was stuck in.

-Robert Jordan

Pirates upon the vessel

pirates upon the vessel

It’s time to lock yourself away, away from the pirates that have onboarded the vessel.

They don’t care where they swing, just as long as they damage you. Hurry away there’s pirates aboard the vessel tonight.

The love you once had for your vessel, will soon flourish in an instant, because of the pirates upon the vessel.

Just when you thought the attack was finished more cone through, it’s just a repeated cycle for more harm to be done to you.

Look out there’s pirates upon the vessel.

Love if you’re real come lift me, from all the pain and despair,  it’s getting to where it’s too much to bear. Now I sit here in fear, the fear of becoming as a stone where no emotions show. No bright colors but just existence. The persistence of the pirates aiming for the heart of the vessel.

That’ll be the results if the pirates keep attacking the vessel.

The pirates, they’re so awfully greedy some come in forms of angels like Lucifer does at your highest.

But in the end they turn that switch, that terrible switch where, you don’t even know them.

“Are they the same when you met? “You question, and that’s when you’re deep in no man’s land. You can’t return, they already got that hold.

They then thrash you, they slash you, they use and abuse you. Beating you as if you were some alien that invaded the space. You are scared to realize, that you are a victim of their attack and yet.. you still have love for them?

They then vanish as if they didn’t know you, and then you’re left with a hole in your heart, questioning your character, hating yourself asking “WHY DID I LET THEM!” Out of pure fury.

All because of the pirates that were upon the vessel.

When Swans Weep

Find if you will the picture, of you and I engaged in a kiss.

I thought the Toxicness wouldn’t bother me, but boy was I wrong. Can you my darling?  can you picture this?

Fall into of a dream of a field of grass, an ocean of roses and blues. Then suddenly catching fire between the heat, the heat between me and you.

How can you just leave me standing in a lonely world that’s so cold. Maybe I’m just too demanding, maybe I’m the one who’s too bold.

Maybe you’re  just like my mother, she’s never satisfied. Why do we go back and forth with each other. This is what looks like.

This is what it looks like when swans weep

No, this can’t be. No.

Now I remember my stomach, how it felt when it trembled inside. Every time I came around you like my soul was telling me no.

Don’t make me chase you, even swans have pride.

You left with no explanation, maybe it’s not me who’s bold. Maybe it’s not you who’s the victim, but the one who inflicted the hurt.

Now what I called “love” makes sense now it was attachment that was caused by trauma.

The trauma caused by a coyote who incapacitated a swan.

When a swan weeps he shall see the truth and suffer no more.

— Robert Jordan

Note from author: if you ever go through toxicity or narcissism from your relationships constantly. It’s best to get away from that situation asap, before they create that trauma bond on you. Leave them before they leave you. So you won’t have to go through the hurt.